Bereavement in young children: The basic principles of helping them cope with loss
by Elisabeth Peters
Dealing with the death of a loved one has an enormous impact on a person’s life. It changes life dramatically and it will never be completely the same again.
I have noticed that death just isn’t something we talk about easily. It might be the only certainty of our existence, but we do not like to be confronted with this fact too often. It is something we sometimes prefer to ignore. However, every so often we are reminded of our own and our loved ones’ mortality, but for children this is not the case.
Especially the very young do not understand the concept of death yet, it is abstract and they might believe it only happens on television.
For parents approaching the subject of death is fraught with complications. A parent’s natural instinct is to protect the children from pain and sadness and the only thing that matters is their happiness.
This could stop them from talking about death and when a loved one has passed they prefer to distract the child. Seeing a smile on the child’s face is a reassurance for the parent that the child is alright.
This is a natural phenomenon which is very understandable, but what goes against our nature is sometimes what is best for the child.
Let me explain this. When children lose a person they love, a classmate, or even a pet, it has a positive effect on the bereavement process to feel included.
Being open and honest is crucial in clearing any confusion and it prevents misunderstandings. Children are a lot stronger than we think and even though we don’t want them to be sad, it is very healthy to be sad when they lose someone they love.
In bereavement another natural response of a parent is trying to stay strong and not wanting to show their tears to the children. This is done out of the everlasting love for them, wanting to protect them from upset or worry, but seeing a parent cry can be very important for a child.
It teaches them which emotions are appropriate in which situations and it tells them that it is okay to be sad when you lose someone. It is okay to cry and it is okay to feel various extreme emotions and it is not healthy to keep them all inside.
According to me and many others, the most positive thing that can be done to help a child deal with loss is sharing memories together. Children often like talking about the person they lost and the good times they have enjoyed together. This memory sharing helps them to see that the bonds they have with their loved ones remain long after they have gone, their memories will be theirs forever and that no one can take them away.
When talking about death with a child, I do have to emphasize the use of language. I always give the advice not to talk in euphemisms, so not to say for example: the person went to sleep. This can be very confusing and might result in the child being afraid to go to sleep. It is also important to use age-appropriate language and to speak in a non-alarming manner.
Children usually come up with many questions so be open for answering them and if you don’t know the answer to a question, tell the child you don’t know and ask if he or she likes to maybe look for an answer together.
One of the saddest and most difficult worries children may express is that they are somehow responsible which asks for the assurance that this is definitely not the case. It is also crucial not to tell the child ‘don’t worry’, because this undermines their feelings. It is better to allow the feelings to be there, not to judge and not to fight them.
It is vitally important to acknowledge a child’s feelings in a sensitive manner; let them talk when they want to talk, be quiet when they want to be quiet, play and laugh when they feel ready to do so.
Elisabeth Peters is a Psychologist with her own company providing psychological services for children, families and schools. She has been working in a wide range of settings and has experience in dealing with numerous mental health issues. Recently, she has developed age-specific programs for overcoming (exam) stress.
She is a Psychologist, a Member of the British Psychological Society, with a Masters in Child, Adolescent and Family Mental Health and thorough training in play therapy and mindfulness.
Elisabeth Peters lives in London, United Kingdom.
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