What not to Say to Adoptive Parents
by Anonymous Adopters
Last year we adopted the most beautiful boy from India. While everyone was excited and meant well, one could not help feeling that some thought the adoption route was like a second best solution.
Now, we spent several long and painstaking months going through the adoption process. We learnt so much about adoption (and the emotional impact of all parties in particular). Plus so many things that we would not have thought of had we not attended these compulsory classes.
So we don’t expect well meaning friends and family to understand the ins and outs of adoption.
However, one can’t help feeling a little twinge when people make comments that are often ignorant but nonetheless wish people had never asked!
Adoption can be very stressful.
(Please this post is not meant to sound like you commit the ultimate sin if you ask these questions, it simply is not).
We are not touchy when people say or ask the questions below. Adoption makes you grow thick skin…However it gets irritating at times. And one gets fed up of explaining!
But here’s my list:
1 Why is the adoption process taking so long? How much longer? Any news? What is the next step?
Times like this we wish we had never told you we were adopting! The process is stressful enough without the burden of these questions. Coupled with the fact that we never know more than the step we are currently in.
2 Now you have adopted you will have YOUR OWN
Isn’t this one our own? When you say this you make the child sound like second best solution.
3 Can you send us a photo?
NO! Have you considered the child may be an exact replica of their biological parent who may find it traumatic should you post it on social media?
4 Do you know about their parents or the circumstances?
If I did why would I tell you? This is my child’s past which is confidential. My child may not want you knowing especially when they grow up and find out you know!
With any question you ask there is one thing always to remember.
Adoptive children are not replacements for biological kids. This is because they are brought up somewhat differently. Or put it this way, there are things to consider which you don’t if the child is biological.
But of course, if you are not a social worker or adopted yourself you are unlikely to think this. We didn’t before we embarked on adopting a child.
But it is worth bearing in mind. There are questions you may ask because adoption is not something you know much about. Like, will you tell the child they are adopted. But remember that adopted parents genuinely love their adopted kids.
And the truth is, if they were to choose having a biological child, they would wholeheartedly want the adopted child they had as their biological child!
Have you adopted before? Let us know how easy or hard it was introducing your child to friends and family.
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