The Day I Found Out it was Schizophrenia
My right hand was shaking. In it was the doctor’s letter. There was that S word. On the letter. It may as well have stood for a swear word.
Did you know this? I fired.
Chuck’s eyes were registering surprise.
There was now an oppressive air hanging in our living room. Why was mental illness always trying to have control over us? The cat was finally out of the bag now. Chuck and I had just discovered what was on his medical records.
Schizophrenia!
I was surprised but again not so surprised. I knew that the medication Chuck had been taking up till years beforehand was antipsychotic tablets. I had Googled them on the internet in one inquisitive moment. Being the Hercule Poirot detective I was, I knew I could find out more if I wanted but had refrained from digging deep on getting more info.
When I had met Chuck 14 years into his journey with mental illness, he had been upfront with me. He had told me pretty much by the second or third or so date, that there was a mental skeleton hiding in his closet. I had not asked much questions other than the fact that he seemed to be OK. He looked OK within my ‘normal spectrum’.
Prior to this doctor’s letter, a whole saga had unfolded that was ultimately to work out for our good in the end. That’s another day’s story…
Ah well, it does not matter! I finally said. It did not in truth.
Chuck had not been taking medication for some years now. That coupled with the fact that he had not been ill, we were coming to the end of the ‘schizophrenia’ journey. The skeletons of schizophrenia were finally going to be buried just as they had been discovered.
A manufactured calm replaced the oppressive air now.
But what did that my reaction reveal about me, my thoughts, my perceptions? Why had the fact that the dreaded S inked on the paper had brought a moment of dread? Was I disgusted even? Did I have my own self stigmas of the word? ‘Self’, being Chuck and I were one as a married couple tenaciously defying the odds of mental illness. Why should the word schizophrenia cause my hands to tremble so?
I knew or had heard that schizophrenia was one of the giants of mental illness. I knew schizophrenia was portrayed very negatively in the media and in films. I knew schizophrenia brought about prejudices and stigma.
Was I really ashamed that Chuck had been diagnosed with schizophrenia? That Chuck had schizophrenia on his medical records? What really was this monster of disease anyway? I had never read up much on it – had refused to read anything too deep on mental illness for starters even though we were ‘living’ with it. I could not allow anything negative to tarnish my faith.
Perhaps I was ashamed. It certainly was not the kind of thing you worked into a conversation. Hmm, what would family and friends say if they ever found out? Many did not even know Chuck had been challenged with mental illness.
That day, the day I found out it was schizophrenia, marked the beginning of the rest of our lives. We were about to embark on a journey of no return. We were on the final lap of Chuck’s full and permanent recovery. In a twist of events, it so happened to be the best day of our lives…
To read more about Chuck and Zoe’s story, why not get the book DEFYING THE ODDS by Zoe A. Onah. Available on Amazon. Google ‘Defying the Odds Zoe A Onah‘ now. Thank you so much for being a part of Defying Mental Illness.
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