The Comparison Trap – which one could you be in?
I wish my hair was as long as hers! I want a bigger kitchen. My house is too small. I wish my husband would help with the chores. My kids are not very talented. And on and on.
There were two friends, lets call them Jane and Mary. These friends had known each other since childhood.
When Mary was doing well or perceivably better than Jane, Jane would get angry. Tantrums would fly like darts. Why should Mary be selected and not her? It seemed Mary had the mansion, the rich husband and the cherubic kids.
Jane rented. Her marriage was on rocky ground, and her home longed for the sound of the patter of tiny feet.
Mary seemed oblivious to her friends’ outbursts because they were never directed at her.
For Mary, she did everything to help her friend. After all they were childhood buddies.
Jane however would secretly try to distract Mary so that any new found successes and achievements were diverted with Jane’s manipulative drive to get Mary to lose focus.
A lot of times discontent and unrest sets in when we compare ourselves to others. We go to our friend’s housewarming party; they give us a tour of their newly acquired home. Suddenly our home that was our haven looks like Her Majesty’s Pleasure (what we call prison in the UK!). We want a double garage, swimming pool, sauna room, separate breakfast room and a den specifically for the husband… so he is out of the way while we are fuming with the dishes!
Comparison makes us feel empty or worthless.
Comparisons says this person has this thing, so should I! Or mine should be better, bigger and nicer.
Comparison says we are not satisfied.
Comparison says we can’t count our blessings any longer.
As we saw at the beginning, comparison can happen even between friends. Comparison can cause tension in relationships. Unhealthy comparison is an emotive issue. With unhealthy comparison, we are unwittingly inflicting delibitating pain on ourselves.
There are 3 main destructive types of comparison:
##1 Jealousy and Envy
We will use jealousy and envy interchangeably today in this post. Jealousy and envy occurs when we are looking horizontally. When we compare, we are saying life is not fair.
The truth is in these cases, there is a green eye something lurking inside us. Envy is saying we want something that someone else has.
Jane was clearly jealous of Mary whether Jane cared to admit it or not. From her standpoint Jane and Mary had grown up together as little girls, so life ought to progress at similar rates and speeds between the two.
When it seemed like Mary was shooting ahead, comparison only made Jane to do devious things that would put the brakes on her friend’s progress.
Jealousy and envy can prevent us from celebrating with others. Jane may have been the chief planner for Mary’s success events, being her best friend.
However jealousy and envy are conditions of the heart, of our human spirit, which means they can lie hidden inside us. Jane would probably be putting on the show or willing herself to be happy for her friend. No doubt she loved her friend, it was her friend’s ‘successes’ that got in the way!
#2 Unhealthy Inferiority Competiton
Unhealthy inferiority competition happens when we are feeling left behind. This is when we are looking vertically up.
Our friends are progressing. They are getting married, having kids and enjoying the la vida. We feel like the ‘poor relative’. The ‘less fortunate’. And if they are much younger than us, then that is the unforgivable insult to the acute injury.
We fail to realise that even twins have different destinies and therefore different timings. That we have our own unique purposes which means our pace is different.
##3 Unhealthy Superiority Competition
This is the ‘Look at Me’ comparison. This happens when we are looking vertically down. This comparison happens when we only compare ourselves to others to prove to ourselves that we are doing better.
My house is bigger. My kids are more clever. My car is more expensive. See how well I am doing.
What do we gain by this kind of comparison? (In fact, really what do we gain by any comparison?). Does this kind of competition mean that we are proud?
I know someone that is only happy for you, if they have achieved that thing first, or if theirs is ‘apparently’ nicer, or whatever the comparison scale is. Sad, sad, sad.
Do you go about life with a measuring stick? The Bible says …. contentment is great gain (I Timothy 6:6). There is so much to gain by being content. And one thing that springs to mind is peace and not spending money that you never would have before you compared.
Unhealthy comparison is self harm in effect because there are no winners.
As for Jane and Mary, I guess they may be still friends. However, one day that friendship may come to a head if Jane does not sort out her unhealthy comparison issue and see that she is running a different race of life from Mary.
In truth, most of us have friends or are friends like that to someone else. Lets examine ourselves and avoid the trap of unhealthy comparison.
As we saw from the 3 types of unhealthy comparisons, there are dangers of comparison any way we look; whether horizontally, vertically up or down. So which way should we look? That will be another time when we will look at ‘healthy comparisons’.
So in the meantime, instead of negatively comparing, why not share this wonderful post. We would appreciate it.
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