What you should know when you love someone challenged with mental illness
So you have met the man or woman of your dream. However, as much the heart skips, the butterfly flutters lazily in the stomach, there is one thing that makes you break out in a cold sweat. Your loved one is challenged with mental illness… and that one thing seems more than you have bargained for.
I have been on that all too familiar route before and I can tell you I know how you feel. However, to give up on the person of your dreams may be one thing you may later regret, especially if you are married. You do not need to feel you have a volcanic relationship threatening your future together. Neither does the one challenged with mental illness need to feel they are not worthy of love. Au contraire!
You two can live happily ever after just like Chuck and I. However, there are some things that will help you in keeping mental illness from being the threat of a blissful (yes, blissful) relationship and marriage.
#1 Mental Illness does not mean crazy
The fact that your loved one is challenged with mental illness does not mean you are going to wake up in the middle of the night to see them wielding an axe over your head. As much as TV and films dramatise the psycho thrillers, being challenged with mental illness does not mean being crazy. Yes, that is not to deny the fact that there are ‘crazy’ people, but crazy is not the synonym for mental illness anymore than brain tumour is a synonym for headache. Take one step at a time!
#2 They are not stupid
Being challenged with mental illness does not mean they are stupid, have no intellect or common sense. Talking to them like they are such may come across condescending. What they need is encouragement and more encouragement. I used a lot of that with Chuck and trust me, it was one of the more potent ‘medicines’ he needed!
#3 Stigma plays a huge part
People challenged with mental illness are always conscious of the stigma and negative stereotypes surrounding their challenge with the disease. Stigma may affect their confidence. They may also stigmatise themselves! If they think they are not good enough for you, it may be because they have had negative experiences in other relationships whether romantically or even day to day. Reassurance and encouragement are the antidotes required here.
#4 The love hormone helps!
Did you know there is a hormone, oxytocin, informally called the love or cuddle hormone, that calms, soothes and heals. Researchers have been studying about oxytocin and believe that this hormone is released with touches and hugs and can help patients diagnosed with schizophrenia. So there we have it!
#5 Get acquainted with the symptoms
As you spend more time together you will become more sensitive to changes in mood or even insignificant things that others may not notice. Get to know what the triggers are, what the symptoms are, and what steps to take. The sooner you know they are heading in a not so pleasant direction, the quicker action can be taken and the quicker the recovery. It could be a simple thing like a certain phrase they don’t usually use except when they are feeling ill.
#6 They deserve respect
There is the illness, the stigma, the prejudice. However, they are not from Mars, they are not aliens and they deserve respect. The world may be hostile towards them but you can’t afford to play the same. Dish out respect. You will be surprised about how much all these little things you do, go a very very very long way in helping them recover and make progress.
#7 They are not a failure
If you see them incompetent, as failures, they will become that. The relationship will become strained and will break down. Speak the right things concerning them even when you see the opposite. Words, words, words…confessions as we call them on DMI, are so important. Our future is based on the words we hear TODAY.
#8 They need an environment to be themselves
Allow them to feel free around you, to let their guard down. To be themselves. To get out the bottled up emotions. BT used to say ‘It is good to talk’. Talk therapy is therapy. So allow them to talk, to vent, to communicate. Perfect the art of listening. Keep the communication lies always open.
#9 There is always hope
I am all for people finding love that are challenged with mental illness. Life does not need to be hard because of mental illness. Besides life happens for everyone. If one is not challenged with mental illness, there may be something else or some situation they are challenged with. You know what you have to deal with. You have the grace to deal with it…and win. That is why you are reading this post. So never give up or think you have had enough. Oh yes, I said I had enough quite a few times and thank God, I quickly took back those words…however, life can change, you can defy the odds. It however starts with the right positive mindset.
#10 Know when to get external help
Loving someone challenged with mental illnesd does not need to be a painful sentence if you do all of the above. Remember to ask for help when you need help. Keep your sanity too. Have a hobby. Have a pastor, confidante, or counsellor you can talk to. I was on the phone to my pastor’s wife or mum anytime I felt frustrated. And between the two of them, they knocked a lot of sense in me and made me the woman I am today. A woman who says love is indeed possible, mental illness et al!
Before I go, I must say this however. If you are not married and are not sure whether you can really handle a permanent relationship such as marriage, it is better that you are honest with yourself and prevent a lot of heartache later. Also for the sake of the other person, you do not want them to feel they have been strung along. So talk it through, pray about it, and make a permanent decision. Don’t go back and forth on your decisions, as that may be equally devastating.
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