How to take Constructive Criticism without it being Personal
Being a better you makes for a more successful you. For this you need self-awareness. When you are able to give and receive constructive feedback you are on the road to a better you.
Feelings of entitlement
Many of us have ‘feelings of entitlement’. Feelings of entitlement are where we believe we are entitled to certain things, deserve special privileges often in an unmerited and unrealistic way.
For example, we believe we are entitled to a promotion just because we come to work on time! Of course, we should be at work on time, why should we be late, anyway? But then you may argue that others are late. However, others being late, does not entitle you to be rewarded for something that you are paid for. You get my gist…
Or here is another one…maybe your work contract entitles you to 20 days off sick a year. Whether you are sick or not, you believe you are entitled to take those days off and use up all 20 days!
In either of those examples, you can see how ridiculous ‘entitlement’ can be. Imagine you are find out year after year there is no promotion. Meanwhile you hold a grudge and are even depressed simply because you think you deserve it. When your manager pulls you up on something you are immediately defensive because you think your manager is being overcritical of you when they should be pampering you instead.
Feelings of entitlement work against self-awareness as you can see. You are not aware that others are putting in extra hours and doing extra work hence getting promoted.
Feelings of entitlement leads to denial of our shortcomings. Because we fail to see that perhaps there are areas we need to work on or address.
Take the meat of what is said and throw away the bones!
I found it challenging taking criticism from people when I felt that I was entitled to some respect. I think most of us are like that unless we have purposely worked on taking criticisms with good intentions!
I found myself on the defensive most times. This however often makes us look more like victims, victims of often of ourselves, I got to say!
Instead of exhibiting a victim mentality, a self-aware person probes and asks questions like:
- Why do I respond to situations with anger, fear, despondency, or withdrawal?
- What makes me think, act, and feel the way I do?
- What motivates me?
I have changed my attitude to criticism whether constructive or otherwise! Of course where criticism is destructive, I choose to ignore destructive comments. Or I take anything worthwhile that may be got from it and then ‘throw away’ the rest.
I have become more self-aware and less defensive. Specificity plus candour gives great feedback. I have always sought to find out what the specifics are with criticism I receive. Only when people have been candid have I been able to make important adjustments to behaviour.
‘Reward’ people for criticism. I recently saw some research that suggests you give 1 piece of criticism each week, and 4 or 5 pieces of praise in 2-3 minutes chunks between meetings. I am always amazed at the results Zoe gets with some children; Zoe and I (and other volunteers) help with education, by the way. Zoe often mixes criticism with praise. She calls it the sandwich rule. See point 11 in this post of how she describes the ‘sandwich rule.
I have found that my relationships have got better when I respond positively to criticism. I am learning to go one step further by ensuring the critic sees the change resulting from the feedback given.
Often painful truths lead to faster growth. When I learnt to take the feedback that I received from Zoe without the emotional reaction of being in the wrong, I grew my fastest in building relationships generally, and also in taking steps of recovery in my health!
Make a decision today to use constructive criticism to work for instead of against you. It would lead to a better and ultimately happier you!
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