Going Down the Wrong Path
By Tonya King
Do the “up’s and down’s” of your illness leave you standing back and saying to yourself “what was that?” I have. Actually, I have had one of those “What?” moments this past week.
Historically, I have been unable to work. Something about going to work and dealing with stress puts me into a bad crash and I have a hard meltdown. But a few weeks ago, I had convinced myself that I could easily get a job and work like everyone else and my illness would not play a role.
I ignored the warning signs that were telling me I was going down a dangerous path. The anxiety and the angst of leaving my safe zone and venturing out into a world that neither understands mental illness nor accepts it did not sway me from my goal. I was going to put myself out there and I was going to succeed this time! I had myself convinced.
Well, I worked two days and had an incredibly bad crash. I was so stunned by this. Should I have been stunned…no. It’s a pattern for me. Feel good, get job, work a few days and crash.
It never ends differently. The only difference is in my fooling myself into thinking “this time will be different”.
Wrong! I had to ask my husband if I was manic when I made this decision to work. Usually mania makes me very impulsive and it convinces me that my perceived reality is far different from the true reality I live.
He felt I was not, but I wonder.
I cannot tell you how disappointed I was when I had to quit. I had failed…again. My husband was very supportive and prefers me to stay home where he knows I am stable.
But I ignored his warning questions and went full steam ahead and now I have to fight to regain my stability.
But do you want to know the worst part?
I didn’t even go to God with any of this. I left Him out completely. I didn’t ask Him if working was in His plan for me. I didn’t ask Him if it was a good idea to get a job. I didn’t ask Him anything.
Big mistake. I know that if I had gone to God and listened for His leading, I would not have ended up unstable and upset. He would have led me down the right path for me. He always does, when I let Him in.
I do not usually go ahead with major decisions in my life without asking God for direction. Why did I leave God out this time? I think I just didn’t want Him to tell me no. Like a little child, I hid my plans from God and went out and did it on my own, all the while God was sitting back and waiting.
He knew what the outcome would be, but He left me to my own ill-advised plan. Oh, if I had only spent a few days seeking God.
So now I sit in the rubble of a failed attempt to work, unstable, depressed, anxious, annoyed and generally in a sad state.
I have turned and am running back into the arms of God full force. I know He is waiting to heal me and comfort me. I need that more than you know. So, what have I learned from this?
Always go to God with decisions you are trying to make and listen to what He says. Listen to your physician when she tells you it may not be a good idea. Listen to your family when they tell you their opinions.
Do not be so headstrong that you put yourself into a situation that adversely affects your mental health.
Always remember, God is there to lead and guide you into the right path. Give Him permission to do just that.
I will get back to a good place. You will too if you allow God to heal your hurts and go to Him first and you will avoid all the pain and confusion of a bad decision.
Tonya King is a Writer, Speaker and Mental Health Coach. She is the founder of Faithful in the Midst ministries which is a ministry devoted to the healing and wholeness of mental illnesses through faith in Jesus Christ.
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